What the haps is, folks? I hope the first weekend of frost warnings and sweater weather finds everyone as healthy as can be expected. I’m steadily gaining ground in my battle against pink eye, and my earlier illness has receded to a nagging cough… which Brook now has. Tuesday I woke up with yellow crusticles sealing my left eye shut (in fact I had to pull it open.) A trip to the doctors office which involved putting some orange dye in my eye to check for retinal bruising (there wasn’t any) confirmed the mauve assault. Interestingly, I had been to the doctor the previous weekend in Richmond because I thought I had pink eye. “No”, the doctor said, “it just looks like allerigies to me.” As relieved as I was at his diagnosis I was quite pissed that I had to go back to the doctor a few days later only to have that ish turned around.

The weekend was pretty good aside from the damp, chilly weather. It actually followed a pretty good week as well. Since I had pink eye, which eventually became pink eyes, I was working from home Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I gotta say, I miss working from home a bit. I worked from home for 3 months after getting to Raleigh and it was kinda nice to do again. I will add that my productivity went up quite a bit as well thanks to the solitary confinement.

Friday night and most of Saturday had Brook and I couch shopping. Our mission to find an adequate flesh support apparatus began Labor Day weekend but we’d been wrapped up in other things since that weekend and never actually finished the job. Our ventures during Labor Day had yielded a lot of a high price tags, a firm decision that we wanted a sectional, and an extensive education in the different types of fabrics [microfiber, chanel, etc.], leather [top grain, split, bonded, blended], and the different kinds of support systems that couches can have [8-way hand-tied, no-sag-spring]. An education, indeed. So much so that when we went looking this weekend the sales people we dealt with asked if we used to sell furniture. Many stores were visited this weekend and in the end we went back to one that we fell in love with over Labor Day weekend. It has been purchased and I can’t wait to plop my A on it and sit around for a few hours. We should get it this week.

Saturday morning I had to drop off my car at Nissan for some much needed maintenance. Oil change, state inspection, new wiper blades, brake inspection- OH, and new battery because the sombitch would no longer start without a jump. How I loathe that vehicle. Twenty-five months, almost to the day, since I drove it off the lot and the battery craps out. Really? One ray of sunshine did pierce through the otherwise crap-lined cloud of that experience- the brakes did not need to be replaced. In that moment, if only briefly, I hated it just a little less.

Saturday night we dorked it out and watched the latest Harry Potter movie. Rather, we put it in and within 10 minutes were like “what the F is going on here”. Apparently there was a movie between Goblet of Fire and Half-blood Prince called Order of the Phoenix (pronounced ‘pah - ho - nicks’). I had that one as well, and had definitely watched but I couldn’t remember anything about it, let alone how it ended. I decided, much to Brook’s dismay, that we had 2 hours of homework before we could watch the new one. Yes, I made her sit through the previous one. How much did it help us to understand the first 15 minutes of Half-blood? Not. Very. Much. Brook wanted the last two hours of her life back- I could only offer her an ice cream bar.

We went to church this morning and then went to meet the videographer from our wedding to get his ‘first-cut’ of our video. We watched it this afternoon and were very happy with it. We’re going to have him swap out a few songs and see if he can put an effect here and there but he did an amazing job. I’d like follow up with Chuckles McDouchbagger who sent us that scathing email some months ago and cram our DVD up his self-righteous dumper.

Anywho, I suppose that’s about it for…. wait for it! So let me touch on this Girl Talk business. Have you heard of Girl Talk?? I’ll guess that you might have as I’m usually the last to find out about new music. So, I was in my Executive, doing executive tasks and reading GQ magazine. Yes, the clothes are mostly fagacious but they do have some good articles- don’t judge me. They had an article on this band, really a one-man-show, who calls himself Girl Talk (to my dismay, the article did not explain why). He’s one of these laptop composer guys who takes samples from an ish ton of songs and combines them into sync’d up techno style jams. A copyright lawsuit waiting to happen. Two albums mysteriously showed up on my PC and I’ve been giving them a listen while writing this so if this post seems all over the place or disorganized its because I’m trying to figure out what lyrics are mixed over what beat and from what songs is the beat comprised…etc. My favorite ’song’ thus far involves, among other things, lyrics from Notorious BIG’s Juicy laid over Elton John’s Tiny Dancer. Awesome. I highly recommend it. Peace out homies!

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Leaves are changing, temperatures are dropping, flu shots are being given. Fall is upon us. And perhaps the worst part, worse than getting sick and having less daylight and, sadly, just as bankable, the state fair is coming to town. Oh, how I loathe the state fair. How do you get the entire state population into a small, concentrated area at the same time? Apparently all you need is some freakishly large livestock, a deep fryer, and an ish ton of food types that one normally wouldn’t deep fry. Oh, and carnies. Stand back and watch the madness ensue. Deep-fried bologna, haggas, turkey, banana, oreo, chitlin sandwich anyone? I digress…

As I stare blankly at my ‘Daily Working Report’ trying to figure out what I can do to get these assclowns to push a live order through so I can close some tickets, I felt the immediate need to… not look at that anymore. I hit The Ingram, per my daily regimen, and saw Lindsey’s most recent post- found here. Upon reading I was immediately reminded of this classic Lewis Black stand-up. Now, don’t get me wrong I love some candy corn. I even love the candy pumpkins they throw in there now. Nothing says fall, or Halloween, like a miniature sugary gourd.

Greetings folks. So it’s 2:30pm on Friday afternoon and I’m at home. Ill. I’ve gotten a case of whatever virus is going around and it’s manifested itself, thus far, in the form of aches, shakes, and chills. It’s great fun, really. So, now that I have a minute- why not a post!?

In the time (weeks) since my last post Brook and I have been quite the busy bees. We’ve completely moved all my stuff out of my old apartment and scattered between our new place, our 10×10 storage unit, and GoodWill. The apartment has come together quite nicely and we actually have all the boxes unpacked and place set out for everything. We’ve also gotten 98.9% of all the stuff out of Brook’s apartment. Only a few tasks remain there: moving the china and repainting the big blue wall. You may recall a post last year where we painted said wall blue… The trip to Sherwin Williams has already been made to pick up a gallon of Believable Buff (#6120). Guess what we’re doing on Saturday??

This might be the point where you’d expect to see some pictures of the new diggs… not so much. For starters, I’m not actually sure where my camera is and secondly, the blanket cocoon I’ve wrapped myself in has risen to a toasty utopia and I dare not venture out into the cold. There will be some pics before too long so please hold your WTF’s, b.

In other news Brook and I, well I think mostly me, have gotten hooked on a new show. No, it’s not Glee. I’ve tried to prepare Brook for the fact that that S will probably be canceled by November, on account of it’s abominable. No, I’m talking about A&E’s Mad Men. A drama set in the 1960’s that follows the professional and personal lives of a company of ad executives. We’ve only seen it through the third episode (so, three hours worth of show) and there is actually yet to be one happy thing that has happened. There hasn’t been a single positive experience that the characters have gone through. In fact, we usually reserve an episode of The Office, or Dragons’ Den or Shark Tank to watch after it goes off to overcome the urge to down a bottle of laundry detergent. But still, I love it. Brook asked me last night why I love the show so much. I didn’t have a good answer. The show is well-acted and well-executed, and from what the reviews say, pretty accurate in depicting the work place environment of that era. Plus, Don Draper is always ordering an Old Fashioned- a whiskey cocktail that I hope to learn to make this weekend. But again, nothing good ever happens. When the show ends you’re left wanting more (at least I am) but it’s not because there was some cliffhanger in the last minute like every freaking episode of Lost. I got nothing. Just watch it.

I guess that’s about it for now. I’m hoping that amidst all the chores we have to do this weekend that I’ll start feeling better. Luckily I feel pretty confident in saying that I have a never-ending supply of Bayer aspirin.

So, instead of packing up stuff, as I really should be doing, I decided to blog about it. This Thursday marks a key post-marriage event for Brook and I. We’re getting the keys to our apartment. We pretty much knew this all along, but there was just no way to get all of our stuffs into one of our existing apartments and be able to live comfortably. The solution? New, bigger, space!

My ish is only moving about half a mile down the road, into Brook’s apartment complex. We wanted to stay with either her complex or mine because they’re both owned by the same parent company (and we were able to avoid lease termination fees). We choose Brook’s complex because the office staff are awesome whereas my complex is run by dirty, Godless whores. OK, well not exactly but they are pretty worthless.

So we pick up the keys on Thursday and will probably start moving small stuff over during Thursday and Friday- assuming anything is packed by then. Matt has been awesome enough to let us use his moving truck on Saturday and that comes most appreciated! A dozen or so hands have been recruited to help out- thanks in advance if you’re one of them! Brook’s lease is up at the end of this month so shortly after getting my stuff in there we’ll be starting on getting her S moved in as well.

Alright, that’s it for now. I should probably start gathering my S and boxing it up…

What the haps is folks. Sixteen days after the blessed event I finally get a chance to scribe the play-by-play of the wedding festivities. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to finish this post in a single sitting- currently it’s 12:53pm on Sunday afternoon. Dave has had a Boston Butt on the grill for approximately eight hours at this point and I’m due in a few hours to get my drink/bbq on… Off we go.

Thursday, 8/6
First of all, how awesome was it to say goodbye to SciQuest on Wednesday afternoon, knowing that I wouldn’t return for ten days? It was so awesome that I’m forced to come up with a new word to describe it– PTOtastic! Thursday was filled with a lot of running around. Getting things ready for the wedding, getting S in order for the honeymoon. One chore that was particularly taxing was getting funds for the honeymoon. I’ll go into more detail later but a TripAdvisor review I read advised to bring a lot of singles with you to tip the staff and they’ll take good care of you. My goal was to go to the bank and get monies for honeymoon, tips for wedding people, etc. Sadly, I showed up at the bank about dos minutos late. The parking lot was slammed and I go inside and it’s like a damn INS nightmare in there. The line was out the door with recently paid hombres waiting to cash their checks. I decided to turn back. We had planned a party, or a post-party, after the rehearsal dinner that night so I had to take all the supplies (liquor, beer, etc) over to the Crabtree Marriott. Brook was already over there making sure things were getting setup for the dinner and that the rooms were in order. Everything looked awesome! After unloading I had to haul ass back to my place, reload the car with all the stuff that needed to go to Barclay, shower, and hit the road.

The rehearsal went very smooth and we were actually done in an hour and a half! Dave had agreed to setup his DJ stuff at the Marriott to provide some dinner music (via a painstakingly selected playlist) so we sent him off with some extra hands to get things set up by the time everyone else showed up. The room was perfect when people started arriving (at least, I think it was. I didn’t actually show up until everyone was already there!). Dinner was amazing. Pork tenderloin, orzo pasta, asparagus, good wines. Mmmm Mmmm Bitch! Thanks go out to my folks for supplying fundage for the spread! And thanks go to my wife for using her connections at the Marriott to our advantage!

There were a few surprises in store that night. One, Brook and I had put together during the week(s) leading up to the rehearsal dinner- the best slide show ever made!! (I’m still looking for a place to host this video. I posted it to YouTube and the stripped they audio because it was copyrighted, mf’ers) Also, Brook had arranged a grooms cake (a surprise!) for me and it was F’ing spectacular. So many awesome things about this cake- 1. it was massive! 2. It was in the shape of a guitar! 3. She had gotten pictures of Dave Matthews signature and guitar and the bakery had some how “printed” them onto icing and had them on the cake!!. 4. It was carrot cake!! (my favorite!!) 5. It was goooood.

I was so blown away by this cake. I can not fully explain how much it meant to me that Brook had arranged that. She really knocked it out of the park with this one… as she normally does It was so amazing. After the cake was devoured, some folks parted ways and others joined us upstairs in the hospitality suite for the aforementioned spiritous beverages. Budweiser, Blue Moon and way too much liquor! We also gave out the groomsman and bridesmaid gifts. I got the guys monogrammed gym bags. Brook got the girls their wedding jewelry and… moo moos. Everything was well received.








Josh was a big fan of the moo moos.


Friday, 8/7
The. Big. Day. The wedding didn’t start until 7pm and I didn’t have to be there until 4pm so I actually had most of the day to kill before heading out to Barclay. My dad knew the perfect solution. Golf! He and I and Josh and my uncle met at Eagles Ridge around 7:45 that morning to tee off. Just as well since the nerves had me up at 5:30am. I mean, it was only the morning of the biggest day of my life! I wasn’t nervous like doubtful (I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life ) but just nervous like “Holy Crap! It’s today!!” The months of intense planning had finally come to fruition and the day had come for Brook and I to become husband and wife. It was going to be great day!

Just not on the golf course… I’m still f’ing horrible at golf but we all had fun. My dad was playing his own little game called “Are You Nervous”. This involved asking me “you getting nervous yet?” every few minutes at the driving range before we started playing… and then again at the tee for every hole… and then again when we got to the green… and then some more while we were eating lunch. My shining achievement for the day was sinking a 45 foot put! One day, though, I hope to learn how to hit the ball straight off the tee. I was under strict instructions from Brook that I had to wear a hat and a sunscreen at all times so as to avoid a sunburn like the last time I played before golf before a wedding- Jeff and Amy’s wedding; The 1st Annual Bob Frick Invitational.

This was sans sunblock and hat!

Luckily I managed to make it through this round without looking like a lobster! We had finished up and were eating lunch when the magnitude of the day really started to set in. Of course, I had thought about this for months and what it would mean for our lives and our relationship and how great it would be, but up until that point it hadn’t sunk in that it was actually happening that evening. Brook sent me a text while we were eating that brought it all home for me and I actually got a little choked up. The day was today, and I couldn’t wait.

After lunch I headed home to shower and head down to Barclay. The guys were sequestered to the Billiard room (which was fine by us!) so as to not risk a premature encounter with the bride. That was a very cool time- hanging out, shooting pool, Dave brought a nice bottle of bourbon that was sipped on ice (delish!). Pretty soon it was time to get ready. There’s nothing like having 4-5 guys in a small bathroom getting dressed while a photographer and videographer document the process. The most memorable thing about that 10 minutes was that Jeff kept dropping his pants in front of Angela, the photographer. It was out of necessity, he said; something about shirt-stays. Hilarious, nonetheless. As soon as everyone was dressed it was time to get some pictures taken. I think they’re going to turn out really well. We’ve gotten a little preview as my Dad, uncle, and Lindsey all had their nice cameras with them and were snapping shots right along with Angela.

And then, before I knew it, the guys were all lined up outside the house waiting to our walk-ins. The videographer had given me a mic to wear, which I thankfully remembered to turn on shortly before we went outside, so I’m quite curious to see what random bits of audio were picked up as we were chatting in the minutes before everything started. Everything went smoothly on the way in, save for one issue of a bridesmaid being left at the door. My brother definitely forgot to get Cathryn and only realized it when he was about 5 feet from me (and thirty feet from her). I think an “oh shit” may have been picked up on the mic I waved him down to his spot and Cathryn entered solo.



So here’s me…


And here’s my brother, sans bridesmaid


And here’s Cathryn, entering solo


The fellas. Jeff looks like he’s thinking about arresting someone.


The ladies


Brook came out on the balcony and blew me a kiss. My first glimpse of her


I definitely got a little emotional. She looked amazing and she was walking down the aisle to marry me!


The ceremony was fantastic. Our pastor, Gary, did an great job. He was my youth pastor during my formidable years and it was very cool to have him do the ceremony. My sister did a reading. Ash sang The Prayer and did an awesome job. Vows were exchanged, rings were exchanged. It was so perfect! We had put a lot of time into our vows and it was great to finally be able to say them to her! Shortly thereafter, this happened.


After which Gary replied, “Whoa, easy tiger!”

We had the obligatory 45 minute picture session after the ceremony and I’m pretty sure a lot of good shots will come out of that.



I like this one because it looks like all the men have a little Captain in them.


Another good one.


Let the reception begin!! I think that’s what wedding guests look forward to most. “Yes, the ceremony was lovely, now where do I get my beer!??!” The food was freaking scrumptrulescent. Prime rib, shrimp scampi, crab cakes, grilled veggies, red potatoes. Awesome.


Mmmmm.


Damnit, that food was good. I’m sorry I keep harping on it but as I look down at what’s left of my dinner (an empty personal size tray of Stouffers lasagna that required baking for 48 minutes) I am longing for some quality sustenance. **Wife update- Brook spoiled me all last week cooking dinner Mon - Thurs: seared tuna, baked bbq chicken, tacos, some kinda chicken pasta-y dish. She is in Canada this week so in addition to missing the wife, I’m missing her culinary prowess!**

The best man and maid of honor gave their speeches during dinner and they were both awesome, and hilarious. Brook’s dad also gave a great toast and said some really nice things about Brook and I and how we gel as a couple. The toasts transitioned into the father/bride, mother/groom dances. Brook said her dad, who knows how to dance, was going into all these fancy five-step waltz patterns and stuff. My mom and I went for the traditional ‘circle around a single point on the dance floor’ bit.

See how he’s got the left hand open? That’s usually a sign that you know what you’re doing.




I could go on and on about the dancing that took place, with plenty of photographs to back it up but I think I’ll leave it at the Soul Train line.




Soon it was time for cake. I’ve eaten a lot of wedding cake in my day(s?) and I gotta say that our cake was right up there with the best of the bunch. A three-tiered white cake with cream cheese frosting and strawberry and cream cheese filling. It was freaking awesome. I’ve heard a lot of people say, “Make sure you get a slice of cake”. Oh, not to worry kindly soothsayer, that cake was had.





We had to get a little messy!


Thanks to Lindsey for the closeup shot

I actually can’t remember if this happened before or after the cake but there was a garter toss in there somewhere After much deliberation I selected the Rocky anthem for the music and when it came on, I felt like I could drink eight raw eggs and run for miles. But I didn’t. Instead, I dove under Brook’s dress like Greg Loustraightness and procured… a rubber chicken.



Despite my best efforts to throw the garter directly at Tim, my toss went rogue and landed in my brother’s hand! Brook didn’t do a traditional bouquet toss as there weren’t that many single ladies in the house so it was made into a contest amongst the married couples of who had been married the longest. I’m happy to say that my grandparents, Ma and Papa as most of you now know them, won with a marriage somewhere north of 50 years!

For our send off, we had bought some giant-assed sparklers. They were something like three feet long and made of 18 gauge wire. They were supposed to be of the low-smoke variety but such was really not the case. Brook and I ran the gauntlet and back, then retired upstairs to our room.

Thank you to everyone for coming out and making our wedding so amazing. Also a big thank you to those that stayed late to help clean up. We REALLY appreciate it. And thanks especially to my wife. If you know anything about me, you know that I’m not a planner. Were it left solely to my execution the reception would have likely consisted of beer and the Pub Mix they sell at Sam’s. Seriously, think of one thing (hopefully there were many) that you liked about our ceremony and/or reception and I’ll guarantee that it was her idea. Candy buffet, her idea. Fans during the ceremony, her idea. Picture cookies (I didn’t even know she did those!), her idea. Table decorations, glow necklaces, soul train line, hotel shuttles, hotel room block(s)… The list goes on and on. You did an amazing job, babe, and our wedding was perfect!!!

At this point, post-wedding stress has disappeared for the most part and we’re adjusting nicely to married life and the idea that there is such a thing as “free time”. Brook and I both struggle a bit with what to do with ourselves now that we can just sit down when we come home from work. There is an ish-ton of DVR to catch up on! Not to mention preparing for the next task that lies ahead, The Big Move! We’re moving into a bigger apartment at Brook’s complex in mid September. Stay tuned for some updates (probably) on that S!

Peace out homies!

This content on this blog is more expired than the milk in my fridge. What the H. Life is a bit crazy right now as Brook and I try to merge our lives, and apartments, into one. Speaking of that, if your last name is Horton or Ingram or Hansen (though I don’t think my brother is a blog reader) I hope you’re around the weekend of Sept 12th… more on that later.

Until I can create a cumulative post of events for the last 2-3 weeks, here a few pictures that my dad took at the wedding…

A full post will be posted soon!!!!

What the haps is Hebrews and Shebrews — I think I’ve used that greeting already but I’m going to use it again anyway. We are T-minus 4 days til the event of my lifetime is upon us. Can I just say, “Holy F’ing S, B’s”. We are blazing forth a trail to Thursday that is progressing faster than a train unaware that a herd of cattle is making it’s way across the tracks. And soon, before you know it… “Pow, right in the kisser.” Brook and I are completely, pardon the expression, balls out this week trying to tidy up all loose ends before Thursday. It’s ridiculous. I can’t even go into it for fear that blood might shoot out my nose.

I’m pretty sure most everyone who reads this is attending the wedding so I will just say that I can’t wait to see everyone and we are going to have a blast. That’s all I got. Peace out!!!!

Oh man. So many songs, SO MANY SONGS! The latest debate has been over the song(s) to be played during the wedding party introductions. Here is an ever-flourishing playlist of what we’re looking at right now…. I think we have some excellent potentials

OK, that last song was put in there just for Brook If you have any suggestions, please let me know!

So much has happened in the typical two week sabbatical since my last post. I feel a bit guilty for not updating, but I’m also a bit tired so perhaps I’ll spare you a large amount of the minutia you’ve come to expect.

My dad and fam came down from Richmond for Father’s Day weekend. This was probably the fifth or sixth iteration for the yearly pilgrimage, however this was the first year they only had to drive as far as Raleigh. All this time I guess they were actually coming to see me and not just crashing my apartment to be near the beach. With the ‘day at the beach’ option unavailable I had to think of some other stuff for us to do. Thankfully, I live very close to Frankie’s. Shortly after our arrival at said fun park, this happened-

Yes, my dad joined Brook, Haley and I in some laser tag. It was awesome. My dad actually had a higher score than the rest of us when all was over. He found a spot on the second floor and was sniping people the entire time. After the laser tag me and Pops hit the slick track in the go-carts. The rest of the weekend was spent chilling at my apartment or at the pool. We went to Michael Dean’s for brunch on Sunday morning. If you haven’t had the brunch buffet there yet you seriously need to go. Omelets made to order, pancakes made to order, fresh squeezed orange juice… MMmmm Mmmm bitch! Scrumptrulescent!

Monday through Friday went something like this: workworkworkworkworkworkworkworkpleaseholdthesescissorssoicanjumponthemworkworkworkwork-downwardspiralworkworkwork. Alright, well that was actually just Monday but you can just read that S four more times to get the jist of the rest of the week. Then Saturday came and there was much rejoicing. We got together with Dave, Lindsey, Chris and Kacy for mexican food and the new Transformers movie. Critics be damned, that movie was awesome. 2 1/2 hours of robots destroying each other. What more could you ask for?! Brook had a bridal shower on Sunday, hosted by Kacy and Lindsey at Brio that I’m told was very nice. The aftermath looked nice when I came back to pick her up

This work week was thankfully, graciously, gloriously shortened to three days. We have off today (Thursday) and Friday for the 4th! Gotta love long weekends. I hope everyone has a great 4th.

Peace out homies!

Trying to make a slideshow for the wedding, and testing a out a new plugin. Click Here

This post will probably not be up for long as this is a work in progress. This is really just so Brook can see it while she is in NY but others feel free to look as well The file is 1.5MB, so… I’m not sure how long it would take to play, or if it will stream or what not. Feel free to let me know.